Friction fires; or the reason I can't go into the forest.

There are times in a woman's life when she experiences what I like to call a *Wardrobe Milestone*

For example, her first pair of ice skates. (even when her mom got them off of Swap 'n' Shop for five bucks) These skates bring such joy and a feeling of importance, she's a big girl now, watch out. Several turned ankles and an aching butt later she realizes that maybe the skates were cheap and 5th hand so she blames her mother for her in expertise. (it's a given)

For me, my next milestone was the training bra, in Grade 4. (already busting outta the thing) I was chased by a pack of 10 year old boys for the whole year. I had a permanent bruise on my back, was round shouldered and, you guessed it, blamed my mother.

As I entered my 11th year, bruised, limping and suffering from poor posture, my mother decided I was ready for the next *MILESTONE* Not a *Wardrobe Milestone* Per Se, a cosmetic one

This brings us to the dreaded home permanent. I was strapped into a chair at the sink, wrenched backward and my hair soaked under the tap. (kind of a home water boarding) The dog's toe rag wrapped around my thin limp hair I was escorted to the kitchen table whereupon she rolled each 1/4 inch of my hair into tight pin curls then proceeded to douse me in chemicals that not only burned my scalp, but left me with a squint that I have to this day. The end result was badly damaged hair, which stayed frizzy for approximately two days. This I rightfully blamed on my mother.

The 12th year of my pitiful existence was highlighted by hot pants and high heels. My first pair of bell bottoms and a rash from the polyester. I entered Grade 8 limping, squinting, huddled, itchy and frizzy, but I was 2 inches taller. This was also the year I discovered acne. This I blamed on my mother.

By my 16th year I considered myself HAWT and wore my first (and last) bikini. It was a thing of beauty (not unlike I was) it had wooden hoops at each hip and one between the ever expanding boobs. This I thanked my mother for. Good genes I thought at the time. I also had my first bout of mouth sores, for this I blamed my mother.

For most women the next few milestones are a formal gown and then a wedding gown. I had no formal but I did have a 2nd hand homemade wedding gown. ( which the previous bride wore at 6 months pregnant). It was polyester. I was 95lbs, so on my wedding day I was boobless from weight loss, tripping over my heels and the dreaded rash was back. My hair had been done by a professional and it lasted 5 minutes as there was a gale force wind in Prince Rupert. I blamed my mother. She should have moved to some place warmer and windless.

The first sexy lingerie, now a girl has really grown up, watch out world! again with the rash.....

Maternity clothes, nuff said.

Now at the grand old age of 48, and having given birth to the two "Heads". Being arthritic and fat from my meds (NOT the beer). I've graduated into the unknown once again. For decency's sake and the protection of small children and animals I've found myself having to wear what I call a bathski. (bathing suit skirt all in one) (A onesi for old fat broads if you will) It's not a skort, lady golfers wear those, so they have to be cool right? Me, not so much.

I used to wear a pair of men's trunks, looked OK, hid the thighs. This year however I have the unfortunate problem of my thighs rubbing together. (this is not pretty)
I'm waiting for BC fire services to ban me from the forest. At the beach it's OK, the sound of the surf drowns it out. At the lake or at a pool, I give everyone in sight a bag of crinkly chips. This will work for the initial dunking, but I have to hustle back because they can't swim for a half hour after consuming them and they'll hear me.

I sit huddled, rashy, blistery, with aching ankles and frizzy hair waiting for the next *Wardrobe Milestone* I wonder what it'll be? Support hose? A girdle? sigh

I have a friend

I have a friend, who challenges me.
I have a friend, who is intelligent and witty.
I have a friend, who makes me laugh.
I have a friend, who holds me up.
I have a friend, who tells me like it is.
I have a friend, who knows obscure song lyrics.
I have a friend, who drives on vacation.
I have a friend, who knows my darkest thoughts.
I have a friend, who loves me in spite of myself.
I have a friend, who is always there for me.
I have a friend, who is sometimes misunderstood.
I have a friend, who lives in physical pain.
I have a friend , who means the world to me.
I have a friend, who I love.
I have a friend, who has a birthday tomorrow.
Happy Birthday my dear friend, and I wish for you many more pain free years.

Impaired thinking

Some questions:

Do you bathe with a plugged in toaster?
Do you stick screwdrivers into electrical sockets?
Do you dive into the shallow end of the pool?
Do you run with scissors?
Do you let your kids play in traffic?
Do you lock your dog in a hot car?

No?

Then why do so many of you drink and ride/drive?
Are you damaged?

Think about how you'd feel if you killed someone.
Think about the paramedic who has to scrape you off the road.
Think about the motherless child you may leave behind.
Think about the person you may paralyze.
Think about the poor SOB who hits you due to your carelessness.

It's not just about you and your deluded reasoning on how much alcohol you can handle.
There are no excuses for drinking and riding/driving, if you think there is your thinking is impaired.

I can handle my liquor.
I weigh 300 lbs so this won't get me drunk.
It's only one with lunch.
It's been an hour since my last one.
I'm a functioning alcoholic.
nonononononononononono WRONG!!

There have been so many deaths this year in the riding community, not due to alcohol, due to all manner of things. It's dangerous enough on a motorcycle, don't make it worse.
If you have a death wish, put the damn toaster in the tub, don't get drunk and drive on my roads. Think about your kids for Christs' sake.

Should go.

The silence where your voice should go;

The shoulders where your arms should go;

The odorless room where your scent should go;

The quiet stairs where your tread should go;

The echo where your laughter should go;

The void in my heart where your life should go;

I ache for you Mom,. Happy Mother's Day.

Puking out my back door, and other follies.

I'd apologize for being so long in between blogs, but meh...

Where to start? Rupert was sad, sweet, humbling, and anger inducing. The service was really nice, some of the people not so much. Family is sure a nasty business, luckily it wasn't my family for a change.


I worked hard there helping BFF with all I could, cleaning and hauling and arranging and cooking and dishes....LORD the dishes! I'm worried about her. She has since been Dr ordered off of work with palpitations and high blood pressure. I had a similar go around after my Mom passed. It's a complicated thing losing your mother. I hope she'll be ok. Buzz and I had to cancel our interior bike trip as we're going back up in a couple weeks to attend the 100th b-day celebrations and finish up with the house.


Husband of BFF is having problems with his elderly father as well. It's not my place to say what, suffice it to say, his dad is on a list for an emergency placement in a locked facility. His parents live in town here, so I've been in contact with his mom to see if she's ok.


Niece of BFF is having a very complicated pregnancy, she's diabetic and obese. Another friend is also having a complicated pregnancy, looks like the baby may have problems.. J is on the list for more surgery and having a Hell of a time with funding and support for her special needs kids. Another elderly friend has breast cancer. Then there's my drunk sister, who has somehow *forgotten* the bawling out she received and it's business as usual. Damn.


Yeah, yeah, I'll stop. Soon. I've been sick off and on for a couple weeks, puking and all that goes with. My tooth has broken again, the new red microwave has broken, both cars have had work done on them this week and to add a little icing on the shit pile that is my life....the fucking mower seized up. Let us not forget the septic field trouble....again.


We have a new dog in the hood, Louie. Yup great name, annoying dog. I wish people would take proper care of their pets. He's at large half the time and either in our yard shitting and stealing food/bones, or in the middle of the damn road. I've had people knock on my door and ask if he's mine. This makes me feel responsible for him, I don't want him to get hit or lost or whatever. Buzz has taken him home and locked him on his deck, and again you feel responsible. Does he have water? Is he going to get out again?


I figured after Drunkie, the Una-bomber, Damien and Lucifer moved on that the neighbourhood would be quiet again....hah Louie barks all the time as well, a hair raising small siren squeal that I could happily live without.


Isn't this fun? Maybe I was worried about sounding negative?

I won't go into the reasons as you people are cognizant about world events, the following list of things has sent me into a tail spin.

Karla Homolka-pardon.
Clifford Olson-pension.
Hugo Tale-Yax-Good Samaritan.
Michael Kandola-Gay basher.
Betty Thomas-lost in Skaha lake.
HST-pre collection period.
Constable Peter Hodson-VPD drug lord.
Hojjat Ol-Eslam Kazem Sediqi-Misogynistic fear mongering coward.

Some good things.

Boobquake.
Hockey.
Bike is insured.
Tiger lost the Masters.


I've been watching Deadliest Catch, it's bittersweet knowing that Phil is close to his end. I've been a rabid follower of that show for 4 years or so and it won't be the same without him. Ms. Redgrave passed yesterday, 67 years old. She sure fought the good fight for 7 years, a family acting dynasty is coming to an end.


We had a good Easter, lots of soup for the freezer, I made gallons of the stuff. 31 years into this relationship and Buzz finally gets up the nerve to tell me he doesn't like salt pork in his pea soup.....eh?

Quiet birthday, I'm still owed a lunch. Jilly made me a nice gift, a copper license plate modeled off the one from my mom's bike.

Well this should either have you laughing, suicidal, or thanking your God that you aren't me. At least it's not cancer. Right? I'll blog a funny later. Booker Todd has a story to tell.


Well the sun shines on a dog's ass every once in awhile; I guess it's my turn~Capt'n Phil.

Survivor's Ensign Ricky?

I jot things down that I intend to blog about at a later date. Used to was I couldn't read my handwriting, now I'm totally addicted to the desk top sticky note.
So I brought the notes up today and I'm even more at sea than usual. What the hell does "Survivor's Ensign Ricky" mean? I'm sure it would have been something uproariously funny.

I also have "Jason K.,tooth whisperer." This I do remember, total tooth rebuild, one bite, four visits....$50.00. The man is a miracle worker, the tooth has never fit better. This was followed by, "It's been that way since he stuck that big thing in it." and "I knew it was wrong the minute I said it but I wanted to finish my sentence."

Then we have a quote from The time travellers wife. "May the sea of life stretch before you like glass, and may you always have the wind at your backs."

Next up is "Google Earth waahh." I finally got a look at Google Earth, I espied all our old residences and streets, schools etc. I cried when I saw my Grandpa's house in Prince Rupert, as Betty Davis would say "What a dump."

The Dullard puked in my bed last week, a big putrid pile adjacent to my pillow. ugh. I was not impressed, last night she puked on the night table where she sleeps. There was, laying amid the hair and mucus the perfect ass end of a shrew. Most disgusting thing I've ever had the pleasure of chucking in the garbage. Cats!

Then I have "Schoenborn FUCKER." This piece of crap murdered his three children, and has been found not criminally responsible. Well fuck me running, who the hell is responsible if not that little fuck? Yet another "person" who should have been put down at birth.

A woman I know lost her Aunt Martha and her partner Larry this week. Murdered by a repeat offender who stole a car, graced the Island with his presence and wiped out their bike on the Malahat. Lucas Ian Brown, the world would be a nicer place if Mr. Schoenborn was your father.

Well, I'm leaving at four am tonight/thursday morning to catch the plane to South terminal, then the bigger plane to Rupert. B.U.M.'s funeral is on Saturday afternoon.

Cowardly killer

Police want your help to bring this man to justice. Photo was taken by B.C. Ferry terminal surveillance camera on Saturday morning.
CHEMAINUS, B.C. – Police across B.C. are hunting a suspected car thief blamed in the deaths of a motorbike rider and his female passenger.

A B.C. Ferry surveillance photo provides the best clue to the identity of the suspect who is alleged to have stolen a newer model Honda Accord from a North Vancouver home on Saturday before heading to Vancouver Island aboard a ferry.

Police said the fatal crash occurred when the suspect, driving the stolen vehicle, made an illegal left turn, cutting across the path of a male motorcyclist and his female passenger. Both of the bike riders died instantly.

“This incident started early Saturday morning in North Vancouver when an unknown male entered a residence, stole some property and the homeowner’s car, a newer model Honda Accord, while the homeowners were home,” said Const. Mike Halskov.

“The homeowner reported the incident to North Vancouver RCMP. Later in the morning, the stolen Honda was seen going through the toll booth at Horseshoe Bay,” he said.

“The lone male suspect’s picture was captured by BC Ferries video surveillance. Police believe that the stolen Honda and suspect driver arrived at Departure Bay at approximately 10:00 a.m.,” he said.

Police were called to the Arbutus Rest Stop along the Malahat Highway (Highway 1) at about 12:25 p.m. to a report of a fatal collision.

“Police learned that the stolen Honda was travelling south and made an illegal left turn into the rest stop, cutting in front of a motorcycle which collided with the Honda, killing both the male rider and female passenger of the motorcycle,” said Halskov.

The suspect then fled the scene. An air and ground search failed to find any trace of the stolen vehicle and the suspect.

Police will not release the names of the two people killed in the tragic crash until relatives are informed.

“Police are asking for the public’s assistance in identifying the suspect driver. This is a far reaching investigation and the suspect may well be from the Greater Vancouver area,” said Halskov.

Anyone with information about the suspect is asked to call Const. Brian Sampson of South Island Traffic Services at 1-250-416-0352.