To be grateful...or not.

Some days, between the pain from the bone spurs and the arthritis, the fibro. The sickness in my family, my sister in and out of hospital, my father in law, (poor old bean has stage 4 lung cancer), coupled with the exhaustion from the heat and the stress and worry about where the next mortgage payment is coming from......I find it hard to remember to be grateful. I am grateful for my children and their health, I am so grateful, even though Stacy has moved to the back of beyond and we probably won't see her for 3 or 4 years.
 I am grateful that we have a working vehicle to get from here to the in-laws. I'm grateful for my husband's energy and taking courses on-line (and passing!) so he can support us when his job is done. I'm even trying to be grateful that the dog hasn't got fleas because I'm 6 days late with the flea treatment.
 Sometimes being me sucks, being my husband sucks harder this month. I wish I could take the pain away that 'll be coming. My poor mother in law is exhausted and scared and I'm worried about her. I hate to leave them. We come home to our lives, as broke and chaotic as it is, we aren't living under such a cloud. I wish we could all be healthy  and well. For now I'll settle for a couple days of nothing happening. No more bad news. Please. I'll be ever so grateful for that.

Dona Nobis Pacem 2013.

Another year has passed and I'm blogging for peace, even though I'm still unsure of how to achieve it. There are still wars and injustices' and yet we carry on. People die, babies are born, there are marriages and pairings and families made; and onward we march.
I still haven't achieved peace in my own family. I'm good with the ones that I'd lay down in front of a speeding truck for though, my kids, my husband, my sister. I guess that's pretty good. I did meet a lot of family this summer, may sound odd to you that I hadn't met my family before, early death of a parent will do that though.
There are 2nd, 3rd, 4th and even 5th cousins thanks mostly in part to my Great Uncle Archie. Two wives, two families spread out over the years. Siblings in their 70's and their late 40's, you gotta love that. I really feel blessed that I get to have them in my life. Thank you Face Book. Really.
I'm at a loss about my brother though, haven't spoken to him in years and have no plans to. Sometimes (well a lot of the time) I feel heartsick about this, but then I have to remember that it's for the best. It's for my greater mental health and I won't have anybody in my home that I wouldn't leave a kid or dog with if needed. That in of itself will give you a hint, it's why I chose to walk away.
My body is still at war with itself, conflicting conditions and medications. I can't walk away from it though.
I wonder how we can wax eloquent about peace when we can't even achieve it in our own families? Can't even walk up a flight of stairs? It isn't hard to see how whole countries can spew hate and grief  at one another, how they can strike before being struck.
I've blogged about respecting others choices and being kind in the past. I've blogged about doing what you're physically/mentally capable of and spreading the work load. Now it seems I'm blogging about inner peace and family.
It all comes down to family eh? They have the greatest capacity to hurt and maim one another. They also have the greatest capacity to love and protect one another. To go to war to keep the family unit whole, fed and happy. Sometimes keeping the family whole is a detriment, a deterrent to happiness and peace in the home. Sometimes you need to cut off a limb to save the body, to stop the rot. Sometimes you need to agree to disagree and suspend contact. Live and let live, respect (that word again) their choice to live their lives how they see fit.
To keep peace in my home and family I need to exclude my brother,  and also have limited contact with some other people. I also need to laugh, a little hysterically at times but necessary. This in turn gives me less stress and hopefully easier days trapped in this ever worsening shell. More time to concentrate on my physical health, and enjoy my family and friends.
So what on earth was my point? I think I want to say that in order to achieve peace on a global scale we need to achieve it in our own families, to the best of our ability. Stick by our choices, show love, respect, kindness and laugh a little too.

Sick of this *debate*.

I don't ever say guns kill people. People kill people with guns, knives, cars etc. Why arm a person to the teeth, with semi- automatic weapons that are only good for massacring  people? You wouldn't hunt with one, you can't really target shoot with one and why the Hell would you want one in your home near your kids and grand kids?
I believe we have the right to defend ourselves and hunt for meat, we can have a personal fire arm (after proper courses and certification)We don't  need semi automatic weapons to do these things.
You need the right tool for the job, this whole spoon thing pisses me off. You know all the pro children shooters ('cause really that's what you are)  are all saying that it's like blaming the spoon for making you fat. You wouldn't use a ladle to feed your baby and you wouldn't use a (insert big bad small penis overcompensating weapon here) to kill a deer.
The 2nd amendment was written over 200 years ago, times change.  The only pack of wild indigenous peoples you have to worry about are gangs with semi automatic weapons.
Work at getting these weapons off the street, work at outlawing them. Really, all they do is kill people, a bunch of people all at once.
Makes life easier for the lazy mentally disturbed mass killers to walk into a building (ANY building) and open fire.

Dona Nobis Pacem

Wow, a whole year has just zoomed by, I've been sitting here procrastinating about not only this blog entry but putting cream on Tiger Lily's belly. She licks, it gets bald and rash-y, I apply cream, she licks and gags and we repeat the whole process.
It got me to thinking about how she's somewhat at war with her belly, no peace for her, it's always itchy, therefore it must be licked.
My body is at war with itself, arthritis and Fibromyalgia, it aches and pops, it swells up in different spots, it makes sure that the most common things are a struggle. Need that can opened? Zipper zipped? Husband pinched? Don't count on my body to do it.
It makes me cranky and makes me pout and makes me guilty. I can in no way get comfortable with my body, I have no peace in my own skin.
I am however luckier than the majority of the population. I can see a doctor, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly (I'm now eating for a small village) I can safely go out of my home, I can vote, I can take a course, I can travel.
I used to lay awake at night worrying about the state of things in my immediate family, but then my worry traveled even farther and I found myself in a constant state of indignation about the horrors visited upon little kids and innocent people who wanted nothing more than a warm bed and belly. Some security for their children.
I had to prioritize as there's nothing worse than an arthritic cranky woman going through menopause and ranting about the injustices in our world.
I still care, I have to do it through organisations and groups and the written word though, it has to be part of my life, not my whole life.
I'm lucky to have this small battle with my body, this war of self. I'm lucky, I'm fortunate and have to remember to be grateful and count my blessings. 
So many millions of people aren't lucky enough to have arthritis, a full belly, a home and safety for their families.
Those of you that have the resources and the political clout, please promote peace, please promote love and respect, please count your blessings. The rest of us will blog and write articles and try to continue our journeys with love and care.
I hope you only have arthritis too. Peace.

We lost a good friend to a heart attack last week. I'm still reeling and trying not to be negative, it's very hard. Too many family and friends sick and dying right now, I feel pulled apart and am having trouble being
*there* for some. That in turn makes me feel guilty, I lose sleep, and bang I'm using my cane.
I have so much to get caught up on in here that I think I'll just leave it and try updating the now and not the last year or two or however long it's been. 
Some people just make it up anyway...hehe
I miss you Kevin, it just sucks the big one that you had to go so soon and some miserable murdering pricks get to go on for years on the gov't teat.
Going to my happy place.

A couple paragraphs from Soap Up My Fundament

This is where Corn girl learned to attempt to drown her inner alcoholic, to shut her the fuck up.


 Corn Girl’s alcoholic has a great memory, she remembers every slight, every insult, every bad thing that ever happened, oddly enough she doesn’t remember the good times as much, she doesn’t remember being safe and warm and happy, playing with the G’s and Nana and Ray.  Corn Girls alcoholic is a dramatic sneaky little bitch that has taken over Corn Girl’s body. A lying selfish sack of agony that Corn Girl can’t drown out, can’t get to shut up about it already. The alcoholic living in Corn Girl has no mute button, no sense of humor, no off switch and no time for anything but Corn Girl’s shrinking world.


I can picture her inside Corn Girl, a flawless milky white complexion with light blue veins barely visible, with beautiful shiny red hair and  the white teeth that Corn Girl had as a teen.  She’s laughing and swimming in the liquid alongside Corn Girl's youth and energy, her sense of pride and self esteem, her sense of the absurd. They swim in  perfect synchronization, like Esther Williams and her girls.

Dona Nobis Pacem

As those who follow my Blog know I haven't posted in awhile, a long while. I do Blog for Peace every year though, I feel it's important and my civic duty. (like voting)
I had this post buzzing in my bean for weeks, it kept editing itself and going off on tangents while inserting a peace/ love/ hippie soundtrack.


 I was (as usual) horrified by the news. I'm a news junkie and tune in every day with a sense of foreboding mixed with trepidation and a lot of nausea. Lately I've been angry and sick more often than not.


I had prepared a list of all the atrocities for the last month or so that I've seen on local, national and international news casts. The indignities done to our children our elderly and the down trodden, the horrors of war, assassinations and animal cruelty. I had my well researched list of links for you to click on, the facts to back up my observations as it were. I was prepared.


However, when it came down to actually writing the post I couldn't do it. Who needs to see all that again? Who needs to re-live it? I certainly didn't.


I ended up wanting to talk and write about two words, two little words that we toss off every once in awhile. I've written extensively about one of the words and try to fill my posts with the other.


Love and Respect. That's it, two little words; but also two huge things to use and embrace, to practice and perfect in your day to day. Love and Respect. Two huge things to implement when you interact with your family and friends, and most importantly yourself.


Love and Respect, we need to show our children these two little words from the time they come to us. Love them for who they are, respect their rights and personal space. Embrace their religious beliefs, their lifestyle choices, their attempts at art, music and self expression.


 Love them unconditionally, teach them by example, not punishment. After all they are all miraculous.


Dispense hugs and shoulders to cry on, the remains on blouses and shirts can be washed away, not so easy when you wound some one's psyche, or damage them with abuse and neglect, ridicule and name calling.


Respect and love that's all it takes.

Don't be a bully, don't be a racist, don't be an abuser, don't be a gossip, don't be a liar, don't be a hater.

Love and Respect it starts at home.

 It gets carried through the lives your children lead, and it ends up in the hearts of all the people that you and your children and their children come into contact with. Lead by example.

Respect and love.

Imagine.