That feeling

To me Christmas is about feelings. When I was a little girl it was excitement, anticipation and a little fear. Was I good enough? Would Santa forget our house? These are big questions when you're five years old. I loved going to grandpa's house on Christmas eve and seeing all the family.

When I was a teen it was (although I hate to admit it) about the presents. I was still trying to hold on to the wonder and the special *feeling* I had as a little kid but it was already starting to fade. I was happy to see family (as we had a pretty small one) and I liked the food and the Boxing Day visits, the break from school.

When Buzz and I were married and had the kids it was all about fear of failure and making their Christmas special. It was exhaustion and worry over money and hope that out traditions were going to be looked back on with fondness and a little longing.

I got the *feeling* back through the kids, leaving out cookies and milk (actually it was butter tarts/coconut balls and a rum and coke) Making reindeer tracks in the snow, stuffing the stockings and trying to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I could get up early and get the bird in the oven.

As the kids grew up and my family shrank even more I became a little bitter. Buzz worked a lot of Christmas day shifts and I felt overwhelmed and under appreciated.

All the baking and shopping and running around, all seemed senseless. I hadn't felt an inkling of the *feeling* for years and bemoaned the expense and work entailed to scarf down a meal in 10 minutes.

Now that the kids are grown and Stacy has moved, Buzz is working all through the holiday and it looks like it'll just be Tory and I for supper. Oddly enough I feel a little flutter of the *feeling*; I can't explain it. You'd think I'd be all weepy and whiny, but not at all. (mind you it isn't here yet, I could be a hot mess by then)

Stacy has invited me to her place, I could have gone to Rupert or ensconced myself at the in-laws, but I'm more comfortable at home, with the familiar. I was also thinking about poor Buzz, his Christmas will be even more sucky than mine, so I figured whatever moments we could grab together would be nice.

Now I'm feeling relaxed, and contented even, go figure. Maybe I grew up or something. I'm excited for the great nieces and nephew to open their gifts, I'm relieved that I managed to get cards out with my hands being so swollen. I'm happy when I look at my gaudy little tree, and I'm looking forward to seeing family on Thursday.

Yup, I got that *feeling* back. I hope you all do as well.