Sunday, May 10, 2020

I'm so fucking tired.

My nephew John has died, not from Covid -19, from a car accident.
He was only 33.

I found out through a cousin, my brother didn't even have the barest hint of decency to tell his family.
I had to tell his twin,
his nephews,
his niece,
his brother's in law.

It took an hour and 4 people before I could get in touch with him.
He lives here.

He broke his family,
he broke our mother,
he broke our dad.
Now me.

I love you John, you and your sister were always a bright spot in my day.
I loved it when you came *for coffee*,
I loved it when you giggled,
I loved getting your school pictures.

I've missed you and now I'll never see you again.
It hurts.

 I hope you know I love you.

Sunday, March 29, 2020


My sister, my beautiful damaged sister is fighting for her life tonight.

She has COPD and had a poor prognosis to begin with, add a cold and she ended up in the hospital. She can't bring up any phlegm, they're testing her for Covid-19.

She always said she wanted to be the first in 3 generations to hit 60,she did that on February 29th. She's an alcoholic and still smokes. Can't walk across the room but still smokes. Alcoholism is an insidious disease, it's run rampant through my family, wrecked our lives.

She zigged and I zagged, I could have easily been her, she could have been me. Twisted fate and bent family shaped us. Molestation and rape, alcohol and drugs. Anger, so much anger.

Oh but I love her, she drives me crazy, I love her so much. She's all alone, they say she's comfortable. No family there, no one to hold her, no one to kiss her.

I'm all alone, Buzz is at work and I can't have anyone in. I'm quasi quarantined and have been in since the 15th. It's my birthday in a couple hours, 58. I wanted Lysol wipes for my birthday, now I just want my sister to pull a fast one and be OK. As OK as she can be. Not dying alone, but going home.

Update: Moved to a ward,still waiting for Covid results. They'll call us. So we wait.  

Update: She's eating and drinking. Still hard to breathe. No fever. Covid-19 test back tonight, if negative and she keeps improving may be home in a couple days. 

Update: No Covid-19!!! Yeehaw. Moved to another floor will need 4 or 5 more days to get her breathing better. Her husband is allowed to drop off anything she needs and they'll  try to get a phone to her today to call him. I wonder where an 80 lb woman gets the strength for this?

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Social Isolating and food.

It seems the longer I stay socially isolated the harder it is to leave the house. My hermit skills are absolutely top notch.

Buzz is my grocery guy, he goes every 3 days or so. Milk bread, coffee cream, fresh veg. I am pretty well stocked up, that's just a normal thing. One open, one in the pantry.

I've lived in some geographically (lets call them challenged) isolated areas, of the one road in and the one grocery store variety.

 I love to cook, I love to eat and I've never relied on a restaurant for meals. I don't even do the take out coffee thing. Who drinks hot beverages in a moving car? 

When the kids were young I'd make sure I had a roast, a turkey, a ham, a whole chicken and a lot of stewing beef and hamburger. I always have canned vegetables, soup and evaporated milk. 

People have kind of looked down their noses at me over the years, fresh or frozen is better of course, however when you live in a one road in place that's prone to power outages and road closures, that can of peas looks pretty darn good, and everyone knows that Yorkshire pudding is made with canned milk.

I used to buy the Easter candy as soon as it came out, if you waited until Thursday it was gone. No candy from the Bunny for the kids. The nuts and cranberry (canned) and the treats for Christmas, especially the Advent Calendars in November.

Just in case. It's same with home canning, if I miss a year I fret. No pickles! No jam!  Merde! I've always said if there's canned soup in the cupboard we'll be fine, just fine.

Well as a long time eater and cook with limited fresh and pantry supplies I can give you a few pointers.

Save your veg ends for soup stock, and make that now. Freeze it.

Do you have two hot dogs in the pack, one piece of sandwich meat? Don't waste it.

Freeze it. 

Couple crusts of bread left in the bag? It'll make great stuffing or bread for meat balls.

Freeze it.

Veggies going soft? Roast them, or blanch them.

Freeze it.

Milk about to expire?

Freeze it.

Spuds staring at you? De-eye them wash them, slice them thin and make scalloped potatoes. Use that about to be expired milk. (a note only bake 3/4 of the way will freeze better)

Freeze it.

Use up older stock in freezer, chicken, beef, veg.

Make Chili.
Make soups.
Make stocks.
Make gravies.
Make lasagna.
Make chow mien.
Make meat pies.
Freeze it!

Always use the left overs. You can put cheese on just about anything.

Also you can FREEZE cheese.

I always make sure the crackers, cereal, dry goods are in tupperware or clothes pinned tightly. 

Rotate your canned stuff so you don't become a hoarder or an eater of expired things, rotate your freezer stock and keep an extra box of freezer bags in the pantry.

I think that's it food wise, I hear you can freeze eggs too. I've never tried it, but Google it and see how.

I've been isolating since the 15th, still not too crazy. I did a knock and drop but came straight home. I've always done well on my own, and I do prefer home cooking and staying close to home.

 My health has been a concern for a lot of years. Chronic illness is an isolating business normally, so apart from the forays to the grocery store and the odd lunch or coffee with the girls I'm not missing anything. 

Stay home if you can, distance your physical self in public, wear the mask, (all the cool folk are doing it) wash your hands! Don't touch your face. Cover your mouth with your elbow when you sneeze/cough. Stay away from the old folks, drop and run supplies for them that you have wiped down with a lysol wipe. (cans handles packages) Don't have parties, keep your kids at home if you can. I know parents have to work. Be kind, be thoughtful, share.

Saturday, March 14, 2020


Today is our wedding anniversary, 39 years.
Don't ask Buzz how many that is in husband years, he doesn't have enough fingers and toes.

I always see these motivational speakers talking about how to be married, how to make it last.
The problem is most of these relationship gurus are single or divorced, not bashing divorced people, I'd never do that. Everyone has a story, and some very good reasons for divorce.

I guess I want to say that no two marriages are alike and no two people are alike, and there's no telling other people how to be married.

That being said, marriage is a long game, not for early quitters, and not for sissies. If it were easy, everyone would be married.It's hard and you don't always get a prize.You do get grey hair and laugh lines, a life long companion, but no medal.

I grew up in my marriage, we both did. We were 18 and 19 and a half. I worked at a gas station, Buzz was in the navy and we lived in a one bedroom fully furnished apartment in Esquimalt.

 It was hard we were so young and we had some good fights. I always suspect people who say they don't fight. Where's the passion? You need (to borrow from Seinfeld) an airing of the grievances. You will go to bed angry, you will wake up seething and you'll be tempted to throw in the towel.

A good marriage is a myth, a long marriage is never all good. There's hurt feelings, anger, grief, loss, joy, abundance, feast, and famine. It's every day it's every week, it's every month, and it's every year. It is a long grueling trek, some days there's a feather bed and a steak at the end of it, other days there's beans and the couch. 

You have to learn to let things go, that's it in a nutshell. Sure they bubble up every now and then, but it's fleeting and necessary. Let it float past.

Is it worth it? You bet, I could never imagine the last 40 years without Scott. He gave me our kids, he gave me himself, and a bunch of grey hair and a tooth grinding problem. The point is he stayed, I stayed, we are a unit. Sometimes a hurting unit, but the good outweighs the bad and the last few years apart from health issues there's really been a shortage of bad.

So thanks to my love bunny for going the distance, staying hydrated and wearing proper footwear. Sorry about the ashtray in 1980, you really didn't deserve that and thankfully I was too mad to throw straight.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Dona Nobis Pacem 2019

We've reached a crossroads in Canada, luckily we went left instead of right.
Not to criticize your beliefs in life or politics, however I personally feel like we dodged a bullet.

I look at the states and see such division and hatred for one another.

I go on Twitter and Facebook and see the hate memes and ugly comments, the mis-direction and outright lies, it hurts my soul.

I see people claiming to love God and children while laying hands on a hateful man and praying for him. They should be at the cages and detention centers comforting the kids that have been separated from their parents. 

Just because you claim to be Christian doesn't make you better than your fellow man.

 You want prayer in school, but only Christian prayer.

You want a good Christian man to lead you but it's OK if he's a serial sexual assaulter and adulterer.

It's OK if he lies, it's OK if he steals, it's OK if he commits treason as long as he's a fake Christian.

We dodged a big old fat bullet Canada. We need to remember that. 

People over money, love over hate.  It's easy.

 Keep your religion out of politics and if you really feel so strongly about abortion and prayer in school, run on those platforms. Don't obfuscate, mis-direct and lie. Run on what you believe in. 

Friday, September 20, 2019

Slippery slopes

 You can call me naive if you want, however I was taught to give people a leg up. Give them a helping hand when they're down.
 I will never vote for anyone, (political party aside, this is personal) who will use their own prejudice as a platform for hate. There are more races, religions, orientations than *Caucasian Heterosexual Christian*

 Life is messy and loud, we need the services already in place, safe medical abortions, free speech, same sex marriage, freedom of religion.
 Holding tightly onto the purse strings because someone is gay and doesn't fit with your world view or they're not *religious* makes me question whether a person should even run for office.
 Yes the PM screwed up, yes he apologized, it was stupid, lets move on. Trudeau has done more for immigration than any PM I can remember. 

 I find the timing of this whole thing to be suspect.They had to root around in boxes in the attic to find the pictures, so they could create a *SCANDAL* This isn't reality TV, these are real people.
 The fake outrage is what gets me. The same people bitching about *brown* people coming for their pension cheques are outraged at the affront to said same people.

 I for one don't want to see Canada move backwards, these rights we enjoy now came at a great cost.
  I watched my Uncle hide who he was, he had to. He could have been arrested when he was young. Do we want that again? Do you want the mall to be closed on Sunday? No booze sales on Sunday or election day? Having some of your friends stand in the hall while you piously recite the Lord's Prayer? Get arrested for being gay? Lose funding because your school isn't religious enough? Want words like retard and fag to be acceptable again? Die from cervical cancer because your Women's Health Center provides abortions? Not be able to end your suffering on your own terms?

  We need to be vigilant, look south of our border if you're not sure.
 Oh, and climate change is real. Leaving it out of debates is absolutely putting us on the precipice of that slippery slope.