Some days

I really wonder who or what I pissed off so damn much, to have to live like I do. Sure I'm a whiner and a complainer. You all know the myriad of auto immune diseases I suffer from, and have had to read over the years in this and other Blogs how they attack my day to day. How they affect my life. I always try to get out of bed, that may not sound like a big deal to you gentle reader, but let me tell you, some days it's all I can accomplish. Sure I may only get as far as the couch, but hey, props to me for getting that far.

I'm stuck again, every year is like this, not just at winter but at random times to keep me living the nightmare. I can recognize the signs, the body betrayal so I know when I'm going to flare,I've also Blogged about how I can do bupkiss about it. It's gonna attack come Hell or high water...deal with it.

I try, in my everyday to maintain the party line, I say platitudes to my family and friends, things like; "What doesn't kill me." or, "It's not as bad as last year." or, "I'll be fine as long as I don't give into it." or,"I have good days and bad days."

Well I have to say, "I've FUCKING had enough, I give, Uncle." What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this? Believe me, I've earned the right to rail and moan. I'm sick and bloody tired of making my pain easier on everyone else. I hurt. Since 1996, I've hurt. There's good days, to me a good day is a pain level of 5 with otc pain killers on board (6 or 8 extra strength tylenol or advil)
I repeat that's a good day. A bad day, I want to shoot myself, that's 4 or 5 T3's and 2 oxycodone, and the pain is an 8 still.

When a person is in that much pain, the little things aren't important. You don't give a flying fuck if the house is vacuumed, the dishes done, the bills paid. Who really cares? I find it hard to muster the enthusiasm for much. The fact that I can communicate with a handful of friends, is a miracle.

Take today for instance, Buzz was baptised. I make light of it but the fact that he and the Girl are Christians is just fair dinkum with me. I used to be, I still believe, although I can't reconcile a fair God with my last twenty years or so, that's my problem though. Anyway I went to church (I didn't blow up) to support my husband in this monumental life's journey he's embarked on, I even teared up. I managed to sit and shift for about 90 minutes or so, then the spasms started, excruciating. I got angry, what do I need to do?

I can't even sit for two hours without screaming from the pain. Is that fair? Do I need to sacrifice a cat? (goes to my angry God belief) I tell you I'm at my wits end; my emotional/physical well being and sense of humor have fled the building. I'm damn tired. I hate my puffy body, prednisone piggy, I hate that I can't do much. I hate trying to be positive. I hate getting out of bed, seriously what's the point? Maybe I should give into it and become a druggie or a lush.

Shots and aches

Well we're back after an unscheduled break. OWIE, had a real go of it this time, it started in my hands and randomly fired and attacked the rest of my joints, big and small. Finally it settled for good in my lower back, pitched a tent and stayed. (it's still here)

I thought I was going crazy there for a few days. Had my double flu shot on the 12th, although I registered some arm pain for a few days it was minor compared to my other pain. All in all a good time to get the shots I guess. I was miserable anyway. I took too much codeine and won't discuss the ramifications of that on here. Again, OWIE.

I'm typing on my new laptop; Buzz, after an annoying afternoon got me hooked up (or rather un-hooked) Lots to get used to as I'm not a geek; well ok I was in band and read a lot as a child, (I think that's more nerdy) but computers and their routers are pretty much beyond me. Technology and I, not a good match.

"Hi I'm Louie, I don't have a cell phone and I've never sent a text, ever."

I had to go and buy a wireless mouse, this pad thing is not for me, mouse good, pad bad.

So far I'm enjoying it without the work, I haven't looked at the text or at the disc on how to operate it, and I have a general idea about Windows 7 after some reading. It's more exciting to learn by trial and error for me. So far I haven't hurt it.

I miss the walks with the girls and dogs, hopefully I'll be able to join them again soon. BT alternates between heavy sighs and staring at me. He works the eyebrows but I'm onto his ways.

I am the proud Mother of three fat, fuzzy, and sluggish house cats. Claw is huge and pretty bitchy about it. *The Dullard* has found a way into the cellar by going under the back stairs and we have to free her a couple times a day. She's stopped getting on the roof at least. She has started (and Spud too) stealing food. Most notably the butter. I was always able to keep food on the counters and they'd never get into it, since Spud came there's a different dynamic I guess and they're trying to maintain their fighting weight.

My car was in the shop getting a little body work done and a new windshield, looks awesome now. They did a good job. It's been a wonderful stormy November so far, we've only lost power once for a few hours. I've been sitting in the BFZ with the wind and rain and being able to see the trees bend makes me glad to be alive. I always thought I was a summer person, but I have to say I like this too.

The assembly

Good morning everyone, glad you could make it out of bed. First I'd like to start with the roll call.

Fuzzy incoherent mind (fibro fog)? HERE!

Lower back, hip pain, both sides? HERE!

Headache? HERE!

Intestinal disquietude? HERE!

Burning indigestion (Fibro gut)? HERE!

Inability to raise arms?......I said, inability to raise arms? Oh, there you are, you should have waved..sheesh.

Swollen, bruised hands and fingers? HERE!

Spasming left knee? HERE!

Aching right knee? HERE!

Swollen toes on left foot? HERE!

Alrighty then, you assembled make up the aching pile known as the body *Louie*. Your mission this rainy cold day, is to get the body cleaned. SILENCE!! This is not an option, this is a must do. The body is disgusting, the teeth are frightful, and don't get me started on how you've chosen to dress it.

We need to do this parts, really, the dog has taken to sleeping with the cats he's so traumatized, and Buzz keeps gagging. So get to it!

Meeting adjourned.

Peace

Imagine all the people living life in peace You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one. — John Lennon